Token Bachelor Blog

The Bachelor and I have a long and sordid history. I watched it the first few seasons, and I loved it. Then, they started changing things and adding "twists". I hated the "twists". I watched the first Bachelorette, Trista. I cried when they got married (GOOD GOD THAT WAS A LOT OF PINK). Then, a Bachelor broke my heart, and I could no longer watch.

I loved, loved, loved, LOVED Bachelor Bob. Well...I loved him when he was on the Bachelorette, when he was still fat (yes, chubs get the right to call other chubs whatever they want, especially when the chub in question is that asshole Bob). Then, he became the Bachelor and lost a ton of weight (except in his head, which actually got bigger), and decided to use the show as a springboard for his "singing" career. He was a HUGE jerk, and the relationship lasted about 5 minutes. No girl he picked would have been the right one because he was such a bag of douche and was there for the wrong reasons. Nay, he would not have been the right guy for any of those girls, except maybe the bitchy ones that got eliminated in the beginning. I had such high hopes for Bob. But, he failed me, and the disappointment caused me to not give the final rose to The Bachelor.

Fast forward to this season. My friend (Q) convinced me to watch it one time. So, I caved, knowing that it wouldn't make any difference. I would never fall prey to The Bachelor again. It took only about 5 minutes of watching Jason Mesnick for me to believe in forced reality television love again.

So. Here it is, a midseason convert's take on The Bachelor so far, and my prediction for next week...

1. The first episode I watched was the one where he sent home Psycho Shannon and Looney Lauren. Good call.

2. From that episode forward, I was torn between Jillian and Melissa. I like them both a lot, but I felt that the one better suited for Jason was Jillian. I still believe that he was 100% crazy for letting her go.

3. I don't get what he sees in Molly. Maybe things have happened off camera that we don't know about, but from what I've seen, there doesn't appear to be much there. She also seems very immature, and like she is manipulating him. You're right Jason, it IS those eyes. The ones that she looks at you out of the corner of like she has you trapped like a spider.

4. Melissa is so much sweeter than I would expect from a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. I know, I know...stereotype. Not nice. But still. And being from Dallas, I have to wonder what kind of Dallasites her parents are. I hope they're not the type of people that have "Welcome home, George and Laura" signs on their lawn. Ew. Or Highland Park people. In my dreams, they are badass Lakewood people that are wicked successful and have a huge house, but are still complete hippies.

5. And as long as we're on the subject of Melissa's parents, can I just say...Who gives a shit? If you love this woman, REALLY love her, then slap that ring on her finger and take the next flight to Dallas and meet the 'rents. Cause if you really love her it won't matter if her parents are crazier than Naomi's.

As much as I hate to say it, I'm calling this one for Molly. She'll win him over with her psycho eyes and her joker smile. I really have no idea about the "most dramatic conclusion EVER" and I'm not going to so much as venture a guess. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. And dammit...I will do my best not to watch next season. Unless Jillian is the Bachelorette. Shit.

Liberal Scumbag

I try not to offend easily, especially when it comes to the subject of politics. When I hear (or read) someone say that all Obama supporters are sheep, I brush it off. When I hear someone say that liberals are facsists that are destroying the moral fiber of America, I scoff. When someone bitches that liberals want to take all their money, I just think to myself, "Yeah, you rich asshole, they want to take a minisule amount of your millions that you won't even NOTICE in the form of taxes and use it to help those less fortunate. BASTARDS." But whatever, right? Who cares?

I couldn't help but be offended, however, when I saw this picture.

Awww...I bet the creator of this thinks he's really cute (cause you know it was a man). And in fact, this picture really does remind me of just about every person I have ever known who would say something like this. Grinning all the while, drinking a cup of joe like they are superior to the world and everyone in it. Why, you have the answers, don't you, Mr. Conservative?

What on Earth makes you think that liberals don't "root for America"? Surely we are intelligent enough to find a way to emigrate to another country if we don't like this one. We have the right to live here. We also have the right to leave here. I think if it ever really came down to it, and in my heart of hearts, I was not "rooting" for America, I would leave.

Perhaps you just don't recognize the ways in which we root for America, since most of them are completely unfamiliar to you. We have this weird tendency to advocate for human rights. Even people who are not white or Christian. We also prefer the world clean. We like clean air and clean water and we would appreciate it if we could leave a little of that clean air and water for our children. If we have to pass legislation to do so (because SOME people in the world refuse to quit driving their Hummers and F-350's), we will. I can see where that might upset you. Wait...is that your F-350 pulling down trees? I thought so.

And since the man in the picture is a soldier (and is being shamefully exploited, might I add), I will also let you know that when we root for America, we like it when America has an honorable place in the world. A country doesn't earn an honorable place in the world by bombing every country that looks at it wrong. Or by bombing every country that we THINK MIGHT look at us wrong. And we don't do it by killing innocent civilians in a country and then turning around and claiming to be their "liberators". What, did we free them by killing them? That's one way of looking at it, I suppose. A psycho, evil way.

Like I said, I try not to offend easily. One reason is because I want to reserve the right to call a militant conservative like I see it: Closed-minded, arrogant, ignorant by choice, and dumb as a box of rocks. You can oppose my views and my methods all you want, because I will certainly oppose yours, but don't you dare assume that I don't have the best interests of my country at heart. Though I find you misguided, even on my worst, angriest day, I will at least admit that you feel you are doing the right thing, and that I can't find fault with. We just expect the same courtesy.

I Quit Smoking

Yes, that is correct. I quit smoking.

I feel bad when people say they are proud of me for quitting and commenting on how hard it is. Actually, it wasn't hard at all. I got sick with a major bacterial infection similar to the flu that made me want to kill myself and others. I physically couldn't smoke a cigarette during that time. This lasted for damn near a month, and by the time I could breathe again without gunk in my chest, I had lost the desire to add more. Literally. I just didn't have the inclination to smoke anymore.

My illness was split into two shifts, with the week I went to Florida in between. I felt ok in Florida, so I TRIED to smoke (which is just retarded), but I had no luck. Last night, I took ONE puff off Beau's cigarette, and I thought my chest would explode.

I think people scoffed at me before when I said I wasn't really addicted to smoking and could quit anytime I wanted. I just didn't WANT to. I guess I'll never REALLY know if that was the case, since I didn't really quit of my own accord (but I am sticking to my guns on that). Smoking kinda quit me. Kinda like the guy that caused me to start smoking in the first place, but that's another blog for another day. Kinda full circle. I dig it.