New song for old feelings

I don't think this song reminded me of anything in particular until I saw the video. When I did, I was reminded of my LIFE from the time I was 17 to...oh, approximately 21.

Everywhere I went, you were there. You were long gone, in all honesty, even when you were ACTUALLY in my back seat, teasing me, fooling me, tricking me into thinking someday you'd be back, whether you meant to or not.

I went to college; you went with me. I saw you in every rainy day and every long drive home in the deep night. I went to Maryland; you went with me. You were on the plane, out in the hall, behind the next tree and around the next bend in the path. You were there every minute of every day, because I made up my mind to keep you there. I couldn't let you go.

I kept a box full of all the stuff that you had given me. The picture frames that you gave me for Christmas. The flower petals that you picked me at Six Flags. Various other momentoes and reminders from our relationships. The biggest thing, rather the smallest big thing in that box was the necklace that you gave me for (another) Christmas. Even after the rest of the items were long since thrown away in bouts of cleaning, that necklace remained, the one small item left in a large shoebox.

I drove to the park close to campus long after dark had settled, long after people had settled, maybe even after curfew. I carried the box as the winter wind howled. I crossed the grass where we held hands, past the big plastic spinners where we played tic-tac-toe, to the bridge where we stood and held onto each others hands and hearts and dreamed of a future, even if you would never admit it now. You were standing next to me as I dropped the necklace over the side, into the water, and you tumbled over with it. With the tiniest splash, you were carried away on the rushing water of the normally quiet stream that cold, rainy night.

You asked what you were to me. You were ever-present. You were everywhere and everything. You were all I wanted, and then you were gone. GONE. Plain and simple. And then, I was free.

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I wonder if all married women (or women is committed relationships) feel as guilty as I sometimes do thinking about the past, old loves lost. It's not like there is any sort of longing there. I don't wish for these people back. I don't think about them a LOT. Certainly not as often as I think about how lucky I am to have found such a remarkable husband. I do think that sometimes I hear a song, or something, and I am taken back. I relive that pain, and feel alive on a different level. It's all part of life, isn't it? And you have to live all of it. Remembering that pain makes me feel like...like I may actually NOT make the same mistakes again. Or make the same mistakes the other person did. And how can I remember how bad things can get when you make bad choices, if I don't REMEMBER, REALLY remember the pain.

And hell, I can't lie. Sometimes it just feels good to remember.

Ah, television

Lately, I have been feeling...unfulfilled. This could have been triggered by a number of things. I just got married, so there's that whole, "OK...that's handled. What else do I have to accomplish in life?" Then, there is the whole issue of my job. I like my job. I love my company. I dig the people I work with. The only problem is that I never saw myself making spreadsheets and doing math and being a quasi-middle-management type. Ever. I used to dream of putting all my little doodles and semi-stories into little books and selling them for my livelihood. I would finish them first, of course.

So, I decided that I would recapture my dreams. Start writing again. Use my job to fund my lifelong dream of telling stories. The only problem and hindrance to this is that little black box in my living room and my unemployed husband.

He has recently gotten me addicted to TV in a way I never have been. It's sad. House, NCIS (shows that USA shows in friggin' MARATHONS), Burn Notice, True Blood reruns on HBO OnDemand. Wipeout. The Bachelorette (OK. That one's mine.). I am in that place where I can feel an addiction forming in my bones.

I have never been a "TV person". I usually have a show, maybe two, that I watch. I spend the rest of my time letting old episodes of CSI play in the background while I accomplish REAL stuff.

Ah, my husband's contributions to my life. I need an intervention. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Mood Music

Earlier I was in a pissy mood. I have trouble suppressing feelings like that, so I always need some sort of outlet. Music has always been that outlet for me. So, I started to look around in my ever growing collection (Jeebus bless you, Zune Pass) for something good and angry. I couldn't really find anything. Then, my brain immediately screamed, "Matt & Kim!". If you're not familiar with Matt & Kim, I'll tell you, their music is infectiously joyful. Then, I realized that I did that last week when I was feeling sad. I listened to something happy.

That is so not like me.

Usually when I'm in a funk, I listen to something that will suit the mood, rather than compliment and eradicate it. If I was sad, I'd go straight for Bright Eyes or Elliott Smith or Dashboard (don't hate). If I was mad, I'd go for something...well...angry. I still can't think of anything.

It actually occurred to me that I haven't done that in a while; just lingered in a funk cause I'm comfortable there. This is a major deal to me, because I think it represents a bigger shift in my mindset.I don't think it has to do with age or maturity. I think I have just become a much more responsible person when it comes to my emotions. I have come to a place in my life where I have recognized that no one can make me feel like crap without my permission (to paraphrase Eleanor Roosevelt), and I do what I can to command my own feelings. It helps that I no longer associate with people who put me all in an emotional tizzy.

It's fun to discover something new about myself. I think it happens so much less frequently as we age. Not because we stop changing, but because we stop noticing.

The end.

Token Bachelor Blog

The Bachelor and I have a long and sordid history. I watched it the first few seasons, and I loved it. Then, they started changing things and adding "twists". I hated the "twists". I watched the first Bachelorette, Trista. I cried when they got married (GOOD GOD THAT WAS A LOT OF PINK). Then, a Bachelor broke my heart, and I could no longer watch.

I loved, loved, loved, LOVED Bachelor Bob. Well...I loved him when he was on the Bachelorette, when he was still fat (yes, chubs get the right to call other chubs whatever they want, especially when the chub in question is that asshole Bob). Then, he became the Bachelor and lost a ton of weight (except in his head, which actually got bigger), and decided to use the show as a springboard for his "singing" career. He was a HUGE jerk, and the relationship lasted about 5 minutes. No girl he picked would have been the right one because he was such a bag of douche and was there for the wrong reasons. Nay, he would not have been the right guy for any of those girls, except maybe the bitchy ones that got eliminated in the beginning. I had such high hopes for Bob. But, he failed me, and the disappointment caused me to not give the final rose to The Bachelor.

Fast forward to this season. My friend (Q) convinced me to watch it one time. So, I caved, knowing that it wouldn't make any difference. I would never fall prey to The Bachelor again. It took only about 5 minutes of watching Jason Mesnick for me to believe in forced reality television love again.

So. Here it is, a midseason convert's take on The Bachelor so far, and my prediction for next week...

1. The first episode I watched was the one where he sent home Psycho Shannon and Looney Lauren. Good call.

2. From that episode forward, I was torn between Jillian and Melissa. I like them both a lot, but I felt that the one better suited for Jason was Jillian. I still believe that he was 100% crazy for letting her go.

3. I don't get what he sees in Molly. Maybe things have happened off camera that we don't know about, but from what I've seen, there doesn't appear to be much there. She also seems very immature, and like she is manipulating him. You're right Jason, it IS those eyes. The ones that she looks at you out of the corner of like she has you trapped like a spider.

4. Melissa is so much sweeter than I would expect from a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. I know, I know...stereotype. Not nice. But still. And being from Dallas, I have to wonder what kind of Dallasites her parents are. I hope they're not the type of people that have "Welcome home, George and Laura" signs on their lawn. Ew. Or Highland Park people. In my dreams, they are badass Lakewood people that are wicked successful and have a huge house, but are still complete hippies.

5. And as long as we're on the subject of Melissa's parents, can I just say...Who gives a shit? If you love this woman, REALLY love her, then slap that ring on her finger and take the next flight to Dallas and meet the 'rents. Cause if you really love her it won't matter if her parents are crazier than Naomi's.

As much as I hate to say it, I'm calling this one for Molly. She'll win him over with her psycho eyes and her joker smile. I really have no idea about the "most dramatic conclusion EVER" and I'm not going to so much as venture a guess. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. And dammit...I will do my best not to watch next season. Unless Jillian is the Bachelorette. Shit.

Liberal Scumbag

I try not to offend easily, especially when it comes to the subject of politics. When I hear (or read) someone say that all Obama supporters are sheep, I brush it off. When I hear someone say that liberals are facsists that are destroying the moral fiber of America, I scoff. When someone bitches that liberals want to take all their money, I just think to myself, "Yeah, you rich asshole, they want to take a minisule amount of your millions that you won't even NOTICE in the form of taxes and use it to help those less fortunate. BASTARDS." But whatever, right? Who cares?

I couldn't help but be offended, however, when I saw this picture.

Awww...I bet the creator of this thinks he's really cute (cause you know it was a man). And in fact, this picture really does remind me of just about every person I have ever known who would say something like this. Grinning all the while, drinking a cup of joe like they are superior to the world and everyone in it. Why, you have the answers, don't you, Mr. Conservative?

What on Earth makes you think that liberals don't "root for America"? Surely we are intelligent enough to find a way to emigrate to another country if we don't like this one. We have the right to live here. We also have the right to leave here. I think if it ever really came down to it, and in my heart of hearts, I was not "rooting" for America, I would leave.

Perhaps you just don't recognize the ways in which we root for America, since most of them are completely unfamiliar to you. We have this weird tendency to advocate for human rights. Even people who are not white or Christian. We also prefer the world clean. We like clean air and clean water and we would appreciate it if we could leave a little of that clean air and water for our children. If we have to pass legislation to do so (because SOME people in the world refuse to quit driving their Hummers and F-350's), we will. I can see where that might upset you. Wait...is that your F-350 pulling down trees? I thought so.

And since the man in the picture is a soldier (and is being shamefully exploited, might I add), I will also let you know that when we root for America, we like it when America has an honorable place in the world. A country doesn't earn an honorable place in the world by bombing every country that looks at it wrong. Or by bombing every country that we THINK MIGHT look at us wrong. And we don't do it by killing innocent civilians in a country and then turning around and claiming to be their "liberators". What, did we free them by killing them? That's one way of looking at it, I suppose. A psycho, evil way.

Like I said, I try not to offend easily. One reason is because I want to reserve the right to call a militant conservative like I see it: Closed-minded, arrogant, ignorant by choice, and dumb as a box of rocks. You can oppose my views and my methods all you want, because I will certainly oppose yours, but don't you dare assume that I don't have the best interests of my country at heart. Though I find you misguided, even on my worst, angriest day, I will at least admit that you feel you are doing the right thing, and that I can't find fault with. We just expect the same courtesy.

I Quit Smoking

Yes, that is correct. I quit smoking.

I feel bad when people say they are proud of me for quitting and commenting on how hard it is. Actually, it wasn't hard at all. I got sick with a major bacterial infection similar to the flu that made me want to kill myself and others. I physically couldn't smoke a cigarette during that time. This lasted for damn near a month, and by the time I could breathe again without gunk in my chest, I had lost the desire to add more. Literally. I just didn't have the inclination to smoke anymore.

My illness was split into two shifts, with the week I went to Florida in between. I felt ok in Florida, so I TRIED to smoke (which is just retarded), but I had no luck. Last night, I took ONE puff off Beau's cigarette, and I thought my chest would explode.

I think people scoffed at me before when I said I wasn't really addicted to smoking and could quit anytime I wanted. I just didn't WANT to. I guess I'll never REALLY know if that was the case, since I didn't really quit of my own accord (but I am sticking to my guns on that). Smoking kinda quit me. Kinda like the guy that caused me to start smoking in the first place, but that's another blog for another day. Kinda full circle. I dig it.

Things I Learned in Florida

- I don't hate the beach. I always thought I would. I burn easily, so I am not a huge fan of the sun. I don't much like sand, and I REALLY don't like it sticking to me. I don't like volleyball, frisbee, or any of the other various "beach" activities. Reading outside sucks, because you get a glare off the book unless you wear sunglasses, but if you ARE wearing sunglasses, you feel like you can't really see. Anyway. I learned that all those things are still true, but you find yourself in this beautiful place, and none of that really matters. I paid more attention to the fact that I couldn't walk without stepping on gorgeous shells on Sanibel Island, the way the sand felt like fine powder on Ft. Myers Beach, and the wide expanse of ocean and the fun that everyone seemed to be having at Bonita. Myself included.

- There are friggin' DOLPHINS off the coast of Sanibel Island!

- Saltwater. That is a very accurate word for ocean water. I always knew it would be SOMEWHAT salty, but I never thought it would be THAT salty. I also learned that if I lived near an ocean, I would go for a swim anytime I have a sinus infection. Saltwater up the nose is an instant cure.

- I thought I had found and acknowledged all the animals in the world that I hate and despise. I thought wrong. I found out that I also hate pelicans. They are all over the place in Southwest Florida. They are the size of turkeys, and they have no fear of humans. They will fly within inches of your head, land on your car and basically terrorize your otherwise lovely beach trip. Bastards.

- My nephew is the COOLEST kid ever. When I say "cool", what I mean is incredibly laid back. My 7 year old nephew was told the first day he saw us that we wouldn't be able to take him to the Monster Truck Rally, and he said, "That's ok. I don't care. I get to see you instead." He answered many questions with a shrug and a "Sure" or a "It doesn't matter."

- Technically, I learned this is Texas when I got back and added up all the money I spent. Vacations are expensive. :(